From expert point of view, choosing a safeword is the essence of what separates the BDSM from abuse. The fact that any of the participants in the play can stop the interaction at any time makes everyone retain the ability to decide for themselves and that is even in a power exchange as often involves a BDSM play.
Traditionally, everyone’s safety is known as “red.” If you call this in the middle of a kinky party, you will see many people stopping from doing what they do; making sure that the word was not spoken to by the person they are playing. You can also ask Is anal sex enjoyable?
- Many people choose the semaphore system: green means everything is ok, yellow that the play needs to be slow, red means that everything stops right then. But this system is not valid for everyone and needs to be clearly discussed with the person you are going to play with. For example, for some red it means: Stop now, but we can resume in a few minutes. While for others red means “take my hand off this second because I do not want to go any further”.
- There are people who use the semaphore system, but another word, separately, to signal the complete end of the game. That means “red” means stopping the game for a while, and “strawberry” can be the safeword that stops the interaction altogether.
- So ask the person you want to play if he wants to use the traffic light system and what it means for her “green”, “yellow” and “red”. There are people who even use the word safeword. Or you can choose any other word that does not have the chance to be used in a kinky or sex game. For example, a “condom” is not a good word for safety. Traditionally, in interactions, the men who have been subjected have the word “mercy”, “pity”. You will always like this and thought it was poetic-kinky.
- Also, remember to choose a non-verbal word of safety. If the person wears a heel, he may not be able to say his word. Or if he has a thick-skinned mask on his head or has a head pointing elsewhere than the dominant one, he may not be able to say his safeword or not to be heard by the dominant. So you choose a gesture that can be done with one hand if the person has the hands tied at different points will not be able to make that gesture and that is easy to understand.
- In bondage, a non-verbal gesture is also used to verify the submission. The Dominant puts a finger or hand in the palm of the person who is tied and the submiss can tighten twice if it’s okay and only once if something is ok. Another non-verbal method is to give the person submissive something to hold in his hand, and the moment the submissive person releases the object, that means red.
But the essence of choosing a safeword, no matter what that is, is to have a way to communicate clearly, in any situation, whether things go wrong or too far or become unpleasant. It is useful for you to think from time to time: If something is wrong right now, is my partner playing how to tell me? If the answer is “no,” stop and think of a better safeword for the future.
It seems that since the novel and then the movie “50 Shades of Gray” has become so popular, hard sex and BDSM (Bondage / Discipline, Dominance / Submission or Sado-masochism) techniques have become a true trend in many bedrooms.
The desire to have sex in a more tedious manner is by no means a new one. Hard sex involves a whole lot of stuff, from the partner’s biting to immobility with body weight, or just a scenario closer to the man of the caverns or Tarzan than the Fatty Fat or the romantic prince.
Of course, hard sex can be even more intense, and you and your partner can explore more exciting territories. With your words, create your own scenario in the “50 of Gray” genre. So if you too agree, you can try bindings, cats, spanking.
It is true that this recent tendency to bring to the spotlight the hard sex worries women, men and especially a lot of parents, considering that there is a certain level of abuse present in the relationship of “50 Shades of Gray .” However, recent research indicates that in general, practitioners of BDSM are mentally healthy individuals and that they face the same level of abzus as the rest of the population.
Element of surprise
One of the reasons why men – and women – are instigated by tough sex is the element of surprise that activates dopamine receptors, which enhances sexual pleasure. Unexpected experiences help us keep our relationships exciting and routine. We become more daring when we get involved in hardcore sex parties, so we are tempted to try different sensations. For example, biting and pinball games also stimulate dopamine release.
Forward a trusted message
Scientists suggest that this comes from our ancestral heritage, that is, from the time when friendly bites and jerks were a form of play or even courting, and were often part of social rituals.
Bites can also be used to establish a relationship of dominance
Power is exciting, and control is a central element in sexual interactions. Both gaining power and losing it voluntarily can be extremely exciting for many people. Because today many women are in extremely strong and influential positions, spending their day making important decisions, giving up control in the bedroom acts as a powerful aphrodisiac. Allowing someone to have control over you from a sexual point of view can be the equivalent of abandonment, basically taking a break and leaving someone else in charge.
Power is intoxicated
During a tough sexual act, the man feels free to take what he wants from his partner. And she, in turn, can fully feel as much as she wants, which makes her even more open to him. Sexual submission is an act of active receptivity, not passivity. The power of the man is exciting for the woman, who, the more excited; the hotter becomes the sex for both. In essence, domination and obedience create an exciting game of pleasure and mutual satisfaction.
Tough sex offers an acceptable opportunity for the self-controlling partner to be selfish
He can take what he wants because it’s his turn to lead the dance and make decisions about how the sex game will look. He controls rhythm and movements. Of course, not all men want to have control. Some people like hard sex when they are giving up control and therefore want a dominant partner.
Many men who have positions of power at work or in society like to enjoy from time to time the opportunity to let their partner have the power and its own receptivity is very exciting. In egalitarian relations, the partner holding the power leads the act of sex. There are couples in which roles alternate. But couples in which roles tend to be very well defined, especially when it comes to more hard sex.